The Sinclair Project

the world via film, books, poetry and any and all things that intersect.

Shame and Failed Desire.

As is my pattern, I buy books far more quickly than I can read them, and I’ve had my copy of Deleuze and Guattari’s Anti-Oedipus for awhile, having only read bits and pieces over the years.

Prompted by a friend’s email mentioning a recent purchase of it, I opened its cover and delved. Foucault’s introduction grabbed at me immediately, most particularly this line:

“How does one introduce desire into thought, into discourse, into action? How can and must desire deploy its forces within the political domain and grow more intense in the process of overturning the established order?”

In most ways, I would say the primarily goal I’d like to attain in my writing is exploration of those lines, as I think the consequences of society’s struggle to integrate desire into its order are perhaps greater than anything else.

Picking up a line that intersects, I recently saw the movie Shame. I was quite surprised when I saw it, as it didn’t align with much of what I’d read and continue to read about it: “The film is not about sex–it’s about addiction, “Jezebel.com states. Other reviews are laced with a strange sort of feeling sorry, reporting that Michael Fassbender’s character, the protagonist Brandon, leads a very stressful life due to the necessary mediation of his sexual addiction. He can’t get through his work day without going to the bathroom to masturbate!

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Yet, the film really had very little to do with addiction, and in fact, the title choice of Shame is an interesting one as Brandon’s character doesn’t display remorse, hardly questioning his dalliances at all. The narrative instead more parallels that of American Psycho (although American Psycho‘s project is more courageous and conscious than Shame proved): both showcase young, attractive, wealth-off, white male protagonists unwilling and as it were, unable to pro-create, to find meaning and value in a world that so easily presents itself to them.

Brandon’s world is filled with shiny, toned, nubile women to whom he has unlimited, and even for a good looking guy, unrealistically easy access.  The only struggle he encounters in attaining sexual satisfaction occurs when he goes on a date with a shiny, toned, nubile recent divorcée from his office who makes her desire to “date” and “establish intimacy” very clear. Sexual consummation with her thus proves impossible. Intimacy and interaction with anyone–male or female–outside of sex isn’t presented as a possibility. Even the minimal relationship Brandon carries out with his only male “friend”, his boss, revolves around sex: they often head out to bars after work to pick up women, their conversation at the office limited to discussions of these past and future endeavors.

Here a question begs: is it Brandon that’s fucked up, or does he see nothing he wants to create?

This is precisely why Shame is not about addiction, but about the difficulty to locate one’s desire in a time and society where all modes of production–personal and via labor–have become deeply confused.  Reaching back up to Anti-Oedipus, the film nicely poses the challenge Foucault raises of “introducing desire into action.” Unlike the works of Genet or Manuel Puig which are also sex-ridden, Shame lacks any real “desire.” The movie is completely sterile.  With unlimited and easy access to everything with jobs that earn income but don’t display a clear point of value, without anything tangible to produce, how does one get though the day? By fixating on a woman’s legs on the subway and jacking off to this thought later in the office bathroom, by watching porn all afternoon at the office, returning home to watch more while eating left-over Chinese takeout. This seems the example of failed masculine desire, of failed production, out of that stemming a resistance to engage is normative sexual relationships, the kind that might bring about offspring.

The reason Brandon masturbates at work, then, is far less because he must, but more because he can. His hard drive is filled with porn not because he can’t help himself, but really because he has time to look at it. If Brandon were indeed a sex “addict”, addict being defined by behavior that prevents or impedes one’s ability to conduct a life, difficulty in remaining employed or maintaining an apartment would present itself.

Harkening back once more to American Psycho, Brandon lives his life with no hint of consequence regardless of the sexual activities we’re supposed to view as deeply deviant (although they frankly appear pretty innocuous)  just as Patrick Bateman is a serial killer no one wants to notice. The high-end prostitutes Brandon hires up to his apartment would never flag a landlord or neighbor’s attention because there’s no difference between them and any other woman Brandon might meet in his neighborhood and bring home. Even Brandon’s confiscated hard drive, sick with a “virus” because of the excessive porn activity, his boss concludes is probably the intern’s fault,  before Brandon can even issue a response. Either way, Brandon’s work “performance” or behavior is never called into question, partly because no one is clear what it is they’re performing, and partly because it poses no threat to any larger structures’ ability to function.images

The crease of plot that delivers shame is in the character of Brandon’s sister, Sissy (played by Carey Mulligan), with whom he has a complicated relationship. There’s indication of trouble between she and Brandon, and most reviews of the film insinuate an incestuous past. It’s true the siblings’ mutual sexualities intersect at various points in the movie: the first time Sissy appears, Brandon walks in on her in his shower, she later walks in on him both jacking off and having Skype-sex, she and his boss sleep together in Brandon’s bed minutes within an hour or so of meeting. But the fact that nothing takes place aside from several arguments, her apparent depression and neediness makes it difficult to invest firmly in an illicit sexual past as being the cause of Brandon’s rampant libido/inability to have a “real” relationship. It in fact seems simplistic to equate those encounters–ones any male and female living together and not themselves engaged sexually might experience–as necessarily a sign of past incest or latent sexual tension. Rather, Sissy’s character is the female alternative to Brandon, the female embodiment of a refusal to embrace the modes of production as they exist, and the inability to put desire into action.

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Sissy is the perfect caricature of the flighty, deeply depressed mad-girl: she has a wardrobe of vintage clothing and chases grandiose dreams of being a famous singer. Her refusal of “stability” manifests not only in the form of her sexual relationships, but in her total lack à la the feminine: lack of of career, lack of structure. She has no money or prospects, and gets involved in destructive relationships. Her wrists are lined with scars from cutting and suicide attempts, the latter of which she nearly succeeds at by the end of the film.  Her body, like Brandon’s, is a location for failed production. But while Brandon experiences his as the location of only intense sexual energy that he must extend outward into someone else, Sissy feels her desire as trapped in her body and is unable to purge it except via its destruction.

Obviously, the difficulty of seeing Sissy for Brandon is that she in part reminds him of a painful past the viewers are never given information about, but I think more profoundly it is difficult to see how that pain manifests itself in her as a woman. For me, this the only place shame pokes through, the shame in the fact that Brandon is the one who succeeds and will always succeed more than his sister, and that it is his sister’s attempts at desire are rendered more shameful than his.

Hot, Soft Cash.

The last month and particularly the last week I have been haunted by money. I’ve both begun reading the truly excellent Hatred of Capitalism, and have left my job and am going to graduate school. I can’t stop thinking about money.

I’ve always found money a mystifying way of making a world. At a family party when I was five, I spoke to my cousin, then a Stanford undergrad, about why we couldn’t barter? Why not trade things? It seemed so odd to use this external entity when, as I so earnestly believed then, we all had something of value we could offer in exchange.  I remember how intense my cousin’s reaction was. She pulled other family members into the conversation. I felt as if what I’d said was both profound and incredibly stupid.  It was the first time I heard the word “socialist.”

Many years later, my undergraduate education at a ‘liberal’ California university formally presented communism and Marxism to me. There was passion, kinship and possibilities for the world that felt expansive and interesting and beautiful. Yet that coating of profundity and stupidity in relation to capitalist alternatives never disappeared. My professors were always arming us with rebuttals to the attacks they knew we would be confronted with by family members and other friends, the majority of whom would scoff at the classes and that type of study as romantic at best, pointless, or simply ‘socialist’, that world again, imbibed with its own pejorative connotations.

I soaked the justifications of these professors in. I repeated them to myself over and over, highlighted and devoured the literature and readings with a kind of hunger and desire I had never in my life directed toward anything else aside from romantic love. I hoped, wanted that desire to replace another that existed equally: my love for everything money buys. I’ve always sought out beautiful clothes and experiences, comfort and luxury, simultaneously hating money and finding it confounding, all the while working often multiple jobs to earn it, never expecting it to be just given. I’ve opened my hands wide to bring it in and have doled it right back out. Closet full, room full, bookcases full, makeup, iPods, iPhones, computers, fine dining, good wine, cars, trips all over the world. Concerts. College tuition. I’ve bailed several people out at the risk of needing to be bailed out myself.

Several days ago, I became a heap on the floor of the bathroom realizing I may end up with hardly any of it. A blurry calculator has taken the place of my mind, continually adding and subtracting figures, projecting the losses and gains of a life I haven’t yet lived. I am aware and could write of the fact that many Marxists and/or anti-capitalists don’t see money and the material pleasures of the world as having to go hand in hand. The beauty of theory, though, slips to the side in light of this fact: movement in the world necessitates I have certain numbers strung up in a line. The bind that is thus created, that I can only feel free by being tied to something that gives it to me, is one I dream of  finding a way to burn.

I emailed this to someone I care for very much. She, too, has had to stare money down when it threatened its leave and a seeming destruction.  Money is a liquid not a solid, she wrote. It isn’t whole. It slides in and right back out. We can’t really ever trap it.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been watching season 4 of Breaking Bad I started the show again and it’s proven an oddly synchronistic choice. On the one hand, it presents a stereotypical  capitalistic failure: a brilliant, hard working chemist is relegated to being a poorly paid high school science teacher and (initially) due to a cancer diagnosis, is only able to adequately care for himself and his family by cooking drugs. But it also shows something more interesting, exactly money’s liquidity, how fast it flows in and out of a life, of the people and things it sweeps in and floods away. The character Skylar, wife of Walter White, the infamous meth cook ‘Heisenberg’, sucks the air out of plastic bags filled with stacks of cash and slides them under her tiny New Mexican home. It’s perfect–she’s trying to line her foundation with it, to use it as the support that will help hold them up. But the money, of course, doesn’t stay there for long. As anyone with a lot of money knows–whether earning it via illegal or perfectly legal streams–the more you get, the more expenses arise, the more holes appear that need some cash to fill them. And so, within a matter of ‘days’, Walter finds himself under the house, almost empty plastic bags surrounding him, certain that enfin his life is about to crumble.

But like all TV series, and truly like all lives, that isn’t exactly what happens. Things do fall apart. Hammers come down. But life keeps on. New streams open and the liquid pours in. And then drains out.

I don’t mean to be simplistic. I’m not trying equate a dramatic television show with ‘real’ life, or to arrive at the conclusion that it’s okay the world works this way because that isn’t true, nor is it what I think. The brokenness of the cultural and global financial system has inflicted injuries that are very real and very painful. I believe with utter conviction that the way our world currently operates in relation to money is unsustainable and wrong.

But the way to move has to be to learn how to swim in spite of its current, to find a way to get where you want to go even in the pull of the tide. On another synchronistic note, I read a piece by David Foster Wallace being circulated by, of all publications, the Wall Street Journal. It’s from a commencement speech he gave to Kenyon College shortly before his death in 2005. It is typical of DFW’s essays: both intense and light, self-deprecating and profound, its subject against the world but desperate to find a way to exist within it. He’s writing about how to make it through the day. The piece begins with this anecdote:

There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, “Morning, boys, how’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, “What the hell is water?”

He returns to it in the final paragraph:

None of this is about morality, or religion, or dogma, or big fancy questions of life after death. The capital-T Truth is about life before death. It is about making it to 30, or maybe 50, without wanting to shoot yourself in the head. It is about simple awareness — awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, that we have to keep reminding ourselves, over and over: “This is water, this is water.”

That mantra has floated into my brain and keeps repeating, so I’ve asked it to stay–not only as I think about money, but while atop and often under this strange, strong sea we’ve all, for some reason, taken sail upon.

The Pitfalls of Coffee and Conversation.

by Erin Gustafson

On a recent Sunday afternoon drive, she decided to show me the house her dad grew up in and where her grandmother lived after her grandfather died.   We were seeking out ghosts of the past, trying to substantiate memory amidst the melancholy of Sunday. So logically, we stopped to get coffee.

While sitting together at a table by the window, we were addressed by an innocent looking fellow sketching the face of a model.

Why did he talk to us? What did he want from us? Would I (could I) have addressed him? What about our coffee conversation presented itself as permeable? What space was there between us for his questions?

I was full of curiosity and excited at recognizing a fellow traveler. But in being open, in being curious, in wanting to share what we enjoy in the world, exchange stories and share experience, we fell into the trap of polite conversation. Why is it that in being open to conversation with men, my body must always be open too?

“So what do you girls do?”

You girls, you girls, you girls. It’s as if all of a sudden I’m cut off – my identity abruptly separated from everything that isn’t the pleasures rumored to be trapped inside the body of a young college girl. Two comments from past encounters with strangers come to mind:

“Girls from this college are Fun!” and, “We draw people to our state by tellin’ ‘em, ‘In Kansas, there is a pretty girl behind every tree.’”

All of a sudden, in these conversations, I find myself pegged as belonging to someone else (the specific person I’m talking with), as well as holding all of Mankind’s promise of ecstasy. They were looking through us not to find a person or a story, but rather a pleasure.

I guess I perceive in these conversations a reticent, axiomatic belief that women exist for the pleasures of men. What upsets me is not that someone might find my body desirable. Rather, it’s that there is this commonly accepted notion that men think with their dicks, have uncontrollable sex drives, and biologically need to jack-off (often over the nude and prostrate figures of a woman).

In a phallic dictatorship, there is no place or voice for my own desire–except the desire to please. I am frustrated at my inability to challenge the assumptions of my role as a woman without turning a polite conversation into a crude argument. It’s as if my voice emerges from a mask of pleasantry, unaided by my own will: ‘I will be who you want me to be.’ But I’ve come to understand that the desire to please is not the same as self-interested/self-actualizing desires.

Is there a way to avoid the traps of conversation? I feel I get sucked into situations of answering this demand for sweet girls. I keep following the rules of what can be said, what can be hinted at, but I’m continually perturbed by who has the power to speak about sexuality.

When I talk with most people, I feel like part of myself gets lost. All the things I cannot articulate manifest in other forms, like a shadow of who I’d like to be. But I always still play to the situation, the expectations, the possibilities of commonly understood speech, the structure, the symbols, the packaged meanings of easy-bake phrases.

Language can be a trap, the pitfall of conversation: ‘I will be who you want me to be.’ Except that my failures, those silences, the things left unsaid are not just a shadow-they are a place of drowned desires still living. The pleasantry exposed requires the strangulation (death by suffocation) of most of my thoughts. So many stifled things are a workout for my tongue: the muscle is built to keep the silence in and let so many things slide through.

The pitfall of conversation: situations we fall into when just trying to be social, approachable, less of an object and more of a person.

“I’m the same as you with coffee and a dead grandmother, a love of art and an interest in travel.”

But I guess we’re not the same because in the end you look like Larry Flynt, he’s a dirty old man, and to be a good woman, the only question I need be concerned with is, “Hey, do you like me or not?”

Occupying Week End.

There had been this massive shift, something like a zoom. It felt like a big move forward. I’d been waiting for something even close to it for a long time. But suddenly, sitting down in front the screen at the start of the day and the beginning of the week, it felt so overwhelming, intense, like it requires far more work than I can manage. It takes so much to be everywhere.

I discovered something unexpected in the constant chatter of social media, at the heart of Tweets and iPhone Facebook status updates: it’s not really so much about hacking anything, anyone, any product in particular. It’s more about wanting to be out and heard and passed around in a cyber soup. Clicked on. Mentioned. A favorite. Followed. This I find deeply disorienting. It makes me uncomfortable and question my ability to really participate in it fully.

A few days before, I saw Godard’s Week End again at the Castro and it never ceases to startle. It does so many things so well, but it hit perfectly upon the quasi-thesis I’ve been after for the last year: what happens when we leave the road?

I’m not sure if part of my obsession with this topic is due to the fact that I’ve been more or less commuting long distances daily for the last few years, poetically or not stuck on the road for long stretches of time, unable to do anything except sit and survey the concrete landscape or my knees.

There have been moments when the stationary formlessness of it has knocked into my frustration so powerfully that I’ve seen nothing but blood and flames–harkening to the many uncomfortabley drawn out scenes of traffic depicted in Week End.

One of the strengths of that film and those scenes, though, is how long they go on, and that no one in them is phased by the repetition and lack of resolution. The horn honking becomes simply an instinctual response, like pressing the gas or hitting the brake: motions carried out with little thought and little production.

But despite the literal and figurative road-blocks encountered by the couple whose strange, misfortune-filled Odyessey  frames the film, Corrinne and Roland continue on their journey to Oinville with the mission of eliminating Corrine’s father and taking all of his money. Yet, they end up  further and further off the pavement, what’s so interesting being the fact that they need to be pushed off, that otherwise they comply, keep going, are determined to stay on the road regardless of the wreckage and death.

We drove for hours several weeks ago. We dove for an entire day. We kept drinking coffee and then having to stop and find places to pee. Caffeine was easier to find than bathrooms.

When he first emailed me and wrote that he thought we should meet again, he was about to drive down, the opposite way I headed last week. We corresponded over the course of that weekend, and when he made his way back up, he wrote that while driving on that particular highway, he’d always stop and find a small pool, a lake, a little place of water where he could lay for a time. I thought of that as we drove the same route last week, and wanted to suggest doing something similar. Somehow, it didn’t feel quite right.

In Week End, when Corrinne and Roland are pulled into the fields, into what’s off to the side, it’s not idyllic. It’s violent and strange, a misshapen meld of what didn’t get paved. Nothing is really happening there either, except a consumption of whatever comes close enough to catch, of whatever gets lost and can’t get back to the road. What is it they’re making out there? Cooking pieces of meat, both human and otherwise, forming grotesque partnerships and meals, composed of things and people that should never have gone together, and once they are, aren’t attached in ways that produce results.

Being yanked into the swirl of the internet and social media feels like that sometimes. I forget the task I was attempting to complete when I first pull over the screen. I had a mission, initially: there was something I was going to do, find, write. But then I’m diverted, and before long, have landed somewhere without really knowing how or why, am witnessing interactions between people I barely or don’t know, unsure of how my interest and engagement fits into it all.

We have roads built everywhere now. Below our feet as well as in front of our eyes, there is no escape from pre-made pathways. No one really knows where they’re going to take us, even those who built them.

Yet, I don’t actually think all the driving back and forth over the last few years has been for naught. It became a new challenge to determine what to do with that time, of what to put in the space. German, podcasts with interesting journalistic uncoverings, phone calls to those whom I rarely speak, recordings of obscure vocabulary words to memorize. Something new did get built in that car, on those drives.

So maybe this is precisely why Occupy was the movement birthed of this time: to be in a preconstituted space but fill it out differently. À la Week End, the notion of going out off the beaten path perhaps isn’t what will illicit change. To be, to stay, to show rather that your presence it still something that matters in the concrete jungles, that even in its solidity, uprooting and re-building is still possible.

Melancholia, Women and The Light of the Stars.

As appeared on RADAR Productions blog.

This morning, I saw this article on the New York Times and instantly read it:

“Don’t get too close. Astronomers are reporting that they have taken the measure of the biggest, baddest black holes yet found in the universe, abyssal yawns 10 times the size of our solar system into which billions of Suns have vanished like a guilty thought. Such holes, they say, might be the gravitational cornerstones of galaxies and clues to the fates of violent quasars, the almost supernaturally powerful explosions in the hearts of young galaxies that dominated the early years of the  universe. One of these newly surveyed monsters, which weighs as much as 21 billion Suns, is in an egg-shaped swirl of stars known as NGC 4889, the brightest galaxy in a sprawling cloud of thousands of galaxies about 336 million light-years away in the Coma constellation.”

Conceiving of such abstract and massive forces has always left me both confused and intrigued. With social media, with globalization, the world feels smaller and more incestuously connected than ever. Thoughts of quantum theory and black holes feel for me an odd but genuine mental relief–they’re free from the current woes of this planet anyway.

It harkens to Melancholia, Lars von Trier’s latest film. I saw it following a strong recommendation by a friend, who also warned, “Don’t plan to do anything for a good few hours afterward.”

It was true–I could not do anything for the next day except think about it. Many of von Trier’s films have this effect; he lingers until you feel this massive heaviness, even in the simplest of scenes and moments. (Melancholia is also, like many of his other movies, visually stunning and beautifully shot).

But this movie was different: there is, especially in the first part, more action and movement, and the heaviness builds over the course of the film, rather than being located in any one specific scene. The story follows two sisters, Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg), opening with the evening of Justine’s wedding party, held at the expansive manor of Claire and her wealthy scientist husband. Justine is young and pretty in a very all-American way, her new husband the same. But it quickly becomes clear Justine is not so sure about her marriage, and finds it increasingly difficult to remain at the party, ducking out for longer and longer periods of time. Her ambivalence seems to strengthen after the sisters’ mother (played by a perfectly cold Charlotte Rampling) an evident person of challenge in the family, openly denounces marriage during her “toast.”

Claire, the older and more nervous of the two, pleads with Justine to get it together, begs of her to just be happy and to not embarrass the family.  Justine is given constant reminders of how much money was spent on the wedding, of how so much is going into “making her” happy. Yet despite some effort on Justine’s part, the possibility of the marriage dissolves with the night. By dawn, Justine’s husband leaves with the rest of the wedding guests.

The film then transitions some time ahead, taking Claire’s perspective. Still located in the dark and unwelcoming manor in which the failed wedding was held, Claire, her husband John (Keifer Sutherland), and their son Leo, welcome an incredibly forlorn and depressed Justine to stay with them indefinitely. Sliding alongside the interpersonal plot of the two sisters, is the question of a planet, named Melancholia, which is to be imminently passing by the Earth.

Claire’s husband is deeply involved in its study, monitoring its movement, watching it from his high-powered telescope. Claire has been doing research of her own about the planet (much to her husband’s chagrin) and is petrified that it will not simply slide past, but rather make contact with the Earth, obliterating them. John eschews Claire’s fear, accuses of her being a very nervous and unreasonable person, begs her to “trust him” and science: they’ll be safe.  Yet as the planet gets closer and more visible in the sky, Claire’s anxiety increasing to the point she purchases what seems to be cyanide or something of the like, Justine’s depression alleviates. In one of the most moving scenes of the film, Claire finds Justine lying alongside a riverbank bathing naked under its light.

To leave the synopsis there, yes, Melancholia is a very heavy film, although for reasons unexpected.  There are many (and many excellent) films on the problem of depression, and Melancholia is certainly making a case for the fact that such depression is due to a kind of inherent faultiness in the world. But that’s what makes this movie different: the faultiness goes beyond structure or society–it’s embedded in our very galaxy. What the film proposes, the necessity of a new planet, new light, I thought stunning, à la my passive interest in quantum physics.

It reminded me very much of one of my favorite scenes in part 5 of Roberto Bolaño’s apocalyptic tome, 2666, when two of the characters reach the top of a hill:

“Look at the stars,” said Ingeborg.

He lifted his gaze: it was true, there were many stars, then he turned to look at Ingeborg and shrugged.

“All this light is dead,” said Ingeborg. “All this light was emitted thousands and millions of years ago. It’s the past, do you see? When these stars cast their light, we didn’t exist, life on Earth didn’t exist, even Earth didn’t exist. This light was cast a long time ago. It’s the past, we’re surrounded by the past, everything that no longer exists or exists only in memory or guesswork is there now, above us, shining on the mountains and the snow and we can’t do anything to stop it.” 

Reading that passage in 2666 for the first time, I felt a similar message to the one I got from watching Melancholia: we are surrounded by, and locked into a past we are literally unable to see our way out of. Even the light of the stars project a history which dooms us.

Returning to Earth, the fact that women are the way in to this idea, more connected to a level of intensity, is undeniable (this is even true in the above scene from 2666). In every sense, Justine and Claire are completely ungrounded in comparison to their male counterparts: Claire’s husband John is focused entirely on science, Justine’s betrothed is unaware of her misery, easily loving her because it makes sense socially, the sisters’ father is portrayed as a sweet but immature skirt chaser.

This prompted me to open back up a book of essays by Slavoj Zizek, The Metastases of Enjoyment: On Women and Causality, that I’ve been making my through on and off for the last few months. In it,  Zizek writes a lot about female depression and the way it’s perceived socially, but I found some interesting connections to my thoughts on Melancholia in the essay titled “Otto Weninger or Woman Doesn’t Exist.” It takes from the philosopher, Weninger, who Sizek describes as the “author who brought anti-feminism to its unsurpassed acme.” Weninger’s one and only book, Sex and Character,  posits that women are entirely sexual beings who exist only via their relation to men. In his essay, Sizek takes Weninger’s pithy thesis and Hegelian-izes it: a void is still a space, and so women exist precisely in that they are the void:

“Weninger fails to accomplish…recognizing in this ‘nothing’ the very negativity that defines the notion of the subject…He [also] fails to recognize the very striving of the subject for substantial support…Wenginger’s aversion to woman bears witness to the fear of the most radical dimension of subjectivity itself: of the Void which is the ‘subject.’..as Hegel puts it, this inwardness of the pure self must enter into existence itself, also become an object, oppose itself to this innerness to be external, return to being.”

Part of being woman is being part of a perpetual search, Sizek suggests, for a structure within which to adequately gain definition. The fact that men fall more easily into structure, are more defined, perhaps at times stifles them from seeing or noticing what is outside of it.  This idea of seeking form connected to Melancholia: the planet being both more defined but also unknown, an encounter, for the women, with a total force so much like themselves. Perhaps this is why Claire’s scientist husband John has such difficulty with the planet once it escapes the bounds of his control and cannot bear to come in contact with it, outside of it being a distant orb he can gaze at from afar.

“Feminine is this structure of the limit as such, Sizek writes, a limit that precedes what may or may not lie in its Beyond: all that we perceive in this Beyond are our own fantasy projections.” 

Ultimately, what I thought was so striking in Melancholia was the suggestion that perhaps the only “solution” to all of this is a new planet, a new star, new light that must come from a “galaxy” outside of ours. Something that might need to come from farther than we can even conceive. Whereas many movies that poke at depression and the inability (of specifically women) to be satisfied with what’s given provide few alternatives outside of falling directly back into the structure they’ve been struggling against (Lost in Translation, The Good Girl), or depict death as a direct result of a failure or difficulty to join the given structure (Varda‘s La Bonheur and Vagabond come to mind), there was something so big and beautiful about a movie that stretched itself quite far outside, that leaves given structure altogether.

In another strange, synchronistic turn, just the other evening I was with an older woman, a friend’s mother, and we were discussing fears. My friend shared that his greatest fear was a home invasion–specifically him coming home and finding someone already there, rifling through his things, ready to attack him when he opened the door. My friend’s mother interjected quickly–before he was done describing–and said that her greatest fear was a meteor, or a star, or some planet crashing into the Earth and obliterating us all (she had not seen or heard of Melancholia).

My friend scoffed a bit and remarked, “But that’s so unlikely! The chances of that happening are so small.”

But she shook her head: “I wake up at night sometimes and think about it. I can’t imagine anything scarier.”

Philip Glass, Sherlock Holmes and Marie Calloway.

I’d only been here once before, some months ago, and it had been strange. It was not at all the place I expected to find him living–the palm trees and the piercing blue skies, the golf courses and the Mexican food.

These were things I thought he hated, the anti-thesis of his being. He turned around and waved at me in the airport, long black coat, hair and beard: everything long and dark.

His house was no different. A bright, white place, high-ceilinged with marble and a big bath tub with jets. His dark wood objects and stacks of old, important looking books sat on the very white, thick carpet. I wonder how they feel about residing there.

But I’m always reminded of how sharp and interesting his interpretations of things are, regardless of the fact that he is so removed from intellectual life on all sides. He doesn’t even read as much as I think he once did. But he picks up on threads and makes connections I rarely see. Lately, I’ve been wanting to pull him outside with me, I want to take him somewhere where the whole world can see what he is.

We drove along the wide streets, through the canyons and alongside nice cars to a theater that was sort of underground. The elevator was broken and we had to walk down several flights of steps. We stood in line to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. It’s become rare that I go to “the movies”, especially mainstream films. We got a free bucket of popcorn and it was so salty there was absolutely no taste aside from the salt.

We ate it anyway and then the movie started. Everything moved so quickly, in a kind of hypnotic dazzle with loud, clanking sound effects jumping in and out,moving with the same kind of stunted, frenetic pattern. I felt like no one trusted I could just watch the movie. I felt edged, induced in every scene: this is a very dramatic moment, this is a very intense moment, this is a very frightening moment. 

We kept grabbing handfuls of popcorn, dropping them into our mouths and that sort of encapsulated the whole experience: being so inundated by flavor, sound, or movement that no thought is required. It occurred to me that seeing most contemporary movies is motivated by the same desire to ride roller coasters at a theme park. Just do something that overwhelms from the outside, so much so that you don’t feel anymore.

I woke up early the morning we were supposed to leave. I always wake up early now, and I made myself a pot of coffee and sat in front of the computer with it. And then I found the link for it, a story by a writer named Marie Calloway.

It’s called “Adrien Brody”, an account of her experience sleeping with a Marxist-bent intellectual and writer. I started reading it, completely unsure of what to expect. After several paragraphs I felt this swoosh, the one that I get when I read something that really moves me. I was completely taken.

The rest of the house slowly awakened and came into the kitchen, making fresh pots of coffee and toast, but I couldn’t stop reading.  I’d never read something that so accurately described many experiences I’d had with men just like the one in the story. One notable differences between some of the encounters I’ve had vs hers is that she solicited the writer “Adrien Brody” for sex directly. It occurred to me that doing that was perhaps more honest in way, yet the outcome was the same.

She writes her own voice so well. She’s able to hear herself speak as different than her thoughts, the kind of disconnection that occurs I think specifically when one is a young, pretty girl with a man. “Adrien”‘s comments are all very clear and stoic, hers are dotted with “likes” and a sort of capricious desire, even though her stream of thought is generally more fleshed out than what she says. That’s the root of the disconnection: there’s something that keeps catching–her body, her age, the power dynamic of her relation to him which makes the transference of thoughts struggle. Certain things can’t really get out so long as she’s with him. She’s pushed into a space, one that is allowing her to be with this person, allowing her access to him and his space in ways she wouldn’t were it not that she’s cute/21 etc. and moreover, knows that there is the possibility of sex glaring into the corners of their eyes. But I don’t know that she wants to stay there, there’s more she wants to accomplish in their interaction but it’s confused. It’s tied in with the sexual desire. What’s different about Marie’s story, though, is that I think she somewhat does attain something, her retelling of it in itself the greatest proof.

There’s been a few but I’m mostly thinking of him when I read Marie’s story. Once you meet someone you’ve known from afar, it breaks things down in a strange way, inevitably. They no longer belong to you the way they have before: an outline whose inside you’d filled in. You become part of the story you’d read.

What he wanted from me was my prettiness, a freshness, enjoyment of a beautiful body.

To me, he was a beautiful example of being in the world: I wanted to be him.

At the time we were involved, I was reading Irigaray’s  The Way of Love, which is all about dialogue. A dialogue must be an exchange to be effective, to communicate. But the currency used in that exchange can be different. And that difference can still allow for dialogue, for connection, so long as that is understood and acknowledged.

I was something for him to behold, to touch, to grab, to push into, to enter. I was a validation, showing him what he’s capable of being inside of. I was something for him to move towards in taking time away from many lines of text and rhetoric. I was a space that allowed different pleasure, a release.

For me, he was something to take in. I felt empty and he filled me. He presented a possibility, a way, a path toward something I desired. My observations of him taught me how to move and where to go. His enjoyment of my body validated a success in representing physical beauty and that brought me pleasure.

In this way, we held a dialogue. And since him, I’ve worked harder than ever before– not to gain his affection, but to become more of the person he was, someone I respected  for his work ethic and passion as a writer and thinker perhaps more than anyone else I’ve ever known. As a person, as a lover, he was less so.

Yet even as I write and think this, even as I believe it to the uttermost, the greatest saddening, melancholy, sharpest pain I felt during our time, was that I would and will never feel the same depth of comfort he did and does. How nice, I would think, to be him– to be able to write and play basketball, and enter a room with young women looking up at you, with older men nodding at you with respect and approval.

This will never be true for me, even if were to command a room or meet a younger man.

But perhaps this is never the right line of thinking to stay upon: he lamented being in the “wrong time,” hating social media and Priuses, Tumblr and the necessity of maintaining a minimal aesthetic coolness to be part of the  current literary world. If only he could’ve existed at the end of the 18th century, working in a wooden room, writing with ink by candlelight.

He forged ahead regardless, though. He carved a space. How many of us are ever born in the ‘right’ time, body, to the ‘right’ parents, with the ‘right’ hair, eye color, skin color.

After coming home from Sherlock Holmes, I wanted to play another movie for him, so that he could  see something completely different: Pasolini’s Teorema. It’s very slow and has almost no dialogue. There’s so much space in movies like that, so many wide paths and possibilities hanging from the corners. You have to be patient.

The end of that movie is probably one of the most powerful I’ve ever seen. A man, the father of the family the film focuses on, takes off all of his clothes in a busy train station and then the scene shifts to him wandering along a windy desert. He screams.

The next day and the one after, I listen to Philip Glass again and he makes me feel the same as watching Teorema. His music is long, and moves to many different paces. I feel lifted when I’m listening to it–my thoughts have room to move along with the wide curves of the songs. I come to realizations.

People have been enraged by Marie Calloway’s story–offended, disgusted perhaps. But I don’t know what they’d rather read? Her story is presenting something different, and there’s very little judgement imposed. I don’t get the impression she left the encounter feeling negatively. It just was. The story showcases the difficulty in getting involved, sexually and otherwise, with anyone. What’s interesting is they try to anyway.

The reason I like Marie’s story is why I like Pasolini films and why I like Philip Glass. There’s no one jumping in with loud sound effects, or deciding when the scene should be cut. There’s room to breathe very slowly and very deeply. I can actually exhale.

And it’s why, even though I’m not sure why his hair is so long now, or why he moved to the desert, I understand that it’s because he’s finally found the wide space he needed, that there he feels his chest can expand.

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The Return.

We began by congregating in the kitchen and ended up staying there the whole evening. Because of fall, it had turned dark early and candles had been lit, making the space orange and dim. While food was being prepared, the room sort of moved–nothing was still.

But when seats were taken at the table and the food was served, everything stopped. The shift was almost immediate. We looked at each other, a kitchen full of only women, and we started pulling on the chain of our history together. It was glistening.

All the men have fallen away. They started to six years ago and they didn’t stopped until they were all gone. Now, there’s just this patchwork group of women, initially connected to each other by whom they’d loved and married, but now more tied by the fact that they’d all been left. They’re all moving ahead with their lives, although sometimes without really knowing why.

Quickly, the conversation turned to sex. They all have a fear of sex. They don’t fully avoid it–they sometimes think about it, talk about it, but won’t get anywhere near it. They lament time, how it’s changed their bodies and they way they knew them. Did they even deserve it anymore? Then there was a heave: all of the expectations and tension threw themselves onto my sister and I, questions and comments about boyfriends, their physique, male prowess.

The room felt ready to burst. Suffocating and so sad–this big, cold unpolished stone we all had to sit on–one we couldn’t warm or smooth out. In their eyes, I could see the acknowledgement of a history and trajectory they would never have chosen and the lack of understanding of how it chose them.

I’ve been drawn to watching Almódovar films lately. He positions all these working class women, beautiful and exhausted, in relationships with deadbeat men and precocious children.

Volver is perhaps one of his most linear films: it lacks the elements of absurdity and kitsch Carne Trémula or Qué he hecho yo para merecer esto! hug. But Volver is almost entirely about women: in fact, male characters literally fade out of the film, like in my family. Raimunda, the protagonist, played by Penelope Cruz, finds her husband killed, her male neighbor goes to Barcelona and leaves his restaurant in her care, the flirtation she shared with her first patron at the restaurant is never realized. Soledad, Raimnunda’s younger sister, had a husband who apparently left years ago and has never returned.

But then there’s the scene in which Soledad goes back to the family’s small Spanish village for their aunt’s funeral: it showcases the impossibility of the men and women to be merged. Fearful she’s seen the ghost of her mother,  Sole rushes across the street to her cousin’s home, pulls open the doors to her patio, and comes upon a group of male mourners–all wearing crisp white shirts. Sole’s face is one of confusion, but more, it expresses a lack of understanding. The men on the patio stop her dead in her tracks–she’s paralyzed in the doorway, there is no possibility of entering that space.

Sole is met with the same reaction from the men: no one calls out to her, they fall silent and simply stare.

Sole then turns to find her cousin, Augustina, who brings her into a room full of the women mourners. They are all dressed in black, and Sole, like my sister and I, is passed back and forth between the older generation, who wrap her tightly again and again in their history, while asking why she hasn’t yet escaped it.

History is opaque in the film. Time and truth: it’s never full clear what is real, what really happened, what’s imagined and what’s perception. Again, people fade: death seems just movement, not termination. Those who are supposed to be dead return, those who are supposed to be alive can’t be found. The supposed ghost of Sole’s mother really is her mother, for example, who never actually died but instead murdered her husband and his lover. Or is she a ghost? She continues to live like one, and her relationships remain limited to only her daughters and granddaughter.

And, the body of Paco, Raimunda’s murdered husband, keeps getting moved. His death is never talked about, discovered nor known about by anyone besides Raimunda and her daughter. When she tells people he just left, they believe it.

Raimunda’s daughter, Paula, is who I found most interesting. She indicates that the history and pattern of the family will only continue. She, it’s revealed, is the product of incest: Raimunda was raped by her father, producing Paula. She kills Raimunda’s husband, the man who acted as her father, when he tried to rape her. Then there’s her name itself, Paula: she was named after the aunt who dies early in the story.

As the film closes, I want to know: is this history something inside of her, in all of them, or does it continue to be imparted? And if so, how do you move out of it?

Suddenly, everyone I know is getting married or having children. It just began one day and now not a month goes by without an email, phone call, text, invitation announcing one or the other.

These are two things I don’t want as they are, but I feel outside. It’s as if the people who are marrying, buildings families, have jumped on this thing moving very fast, and I’m standing away from it. I get asked why I don’t want it, too, but I can’t really explain. What they’ve grabbed onto has always moved too fast for me to comprehend, and I’ve felt my energy was better spent trying to understand other things. For them, though, it’s not about understanding it. It’s about just getting on and seeing where it goes. I recognize that, but it feels too unsafe, too dangerous.

This morning, I woke up early. I stayed in bed but stared out the window, and something new occurred to me: it’s about more than getting on something moving fast. It’s also about making a declaration of how they’re choosing to live their life.

That clarity is also what tugs at me when the people I know make these decisions. And it’s what my aunts and family are waiting to hear: will you get on? If you don’t get on there, where will you? Who are you?

Part of this is out of concern and care, but as in Volver, my declarations will change or solidify their stories, it could move the dial of our history. It could also bring it right back to where it stands, just as the title of Volver indicates: a perpetual returning.

All Hallow’s.

It is most certainly fall: things hanging by loose threads have finally hit the ground and are demanding the beginning of something new.

In the spirit of that and of Halloween, let’s grab hold of the impulse to don whatever makes us feel most powerful and step out into the dark streets.

Gramsci and Occupying.

Last week, I went to one of my favorite bookstores, and one of the last of its kind. I was looking for a specific book, but instead, my eyes landed on a copy of Gramsci’s The Modern Prince.

I picked it up and when the white haired woman behind the counter saw it, she took my hand and said:

“We need Gramsci’s right now. A lot of people could use his words.”

And so, in regard to Occupying,  and most specifically the occurrences yesterday in Oakland, here are some:

“The city developed around the central pattern which it still retains, organized naturally around the industry which ‘governs’ the whole urban growth of the city and regulates its outlets…

As in a factory, where workers assume a pattern governed by the production of a given object which unites and organizes metalworkers and woodworkers, constructional workers, electricians, etc., so in a city, the proletariat adopts patterns determined by the prevalent industry which dominates the whole urban life. So, on a national scale, a people adopts a pattern laid down by its exports, by the real contribution the nation makes to the economic life of the world.”

“When, in 1919 we decided…to form this group…not one of us (perhaps just one!) thought in terms of changing the world, of renewing the hearts and minds of masses of human beings, or dreamed of a new era in history. “

Let’s think of it now–the new era has begun.

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